Why We Marry Who We Marry

Sunday, March 27, 2022

I. Why We Marry Who We Marry

A. Two Sovereign and Subconscious Choices in Selecting a Spouse

1. Understanding the sovereign purpose of God in marriage or why God tricks us into falling in love with someone who drives us crazy can be the difference between your marriage being a horrible journey of pain or a journey of healing.

2. Research has shown, when we’re dating we think we’re selecting on a very superficial level (physical attraction, like being around them, basic commonalities, good conversation, have fun together etc.) but God has hard wired us to select on a subconscious level.

a. God is doing something supernatural beneath the surface through us that we don’t know about or understand, and it’s that “not knowing” that creates the problems, pains and dangers when we marry.

~Like an iceberg.

b. (Matt. 19:6) God wires us to choose a spouse according to His will. 

c. There are two sovereign and subconscious choices we make when we’re dating and marry:

#1 We’re trying to find a person to be our compatible opposite.

a. On a conscious level I think I’m looking for someone just like me. I’m not! Subconsciously I’m seeking my compatible opposite.

~(Gen. 2:15-25) the woman taken from the man.

~(v18) helper comparable; help meet – ayzer; aid, helper, help to supply what is lacking.

b. Compatibility is not sameness. Compatibility is based on beliefs, character and values. Compatibility should be based on Jesus being 1st in our lives, and that we share life goals.

c. Opposite – a person or thing that is totally different from or the reverse of someone or something else.

~This is where the problems arise in marriage.

~(Gen. 3:12) Adam rejected Eve who was comparable and suitable for him, and he blames God for giving her to him.

d. Couples dynamic differences must be viewed as strengths.

#2 I’m looking for a committed partner to walk me back through my past so I can heal.

a. Consciously, I want to find a partner that will take me as far away from my past as I can possibly get. Subconsciously it’s exactly the opposite.

b. An eight-year study at SMU found that we are all wounded from our past and we are subconsciously looking for a spouse who has the best chance of healing us.

~If we don’t understand this, we will hurt each other’s wounds instead of healing them.

-Ex: An insecure woman or a disrespected man.

c. How do we go from hurting to healing each other?

#1We must both acknowledge our wounds.

#2Allow complaints without attacks.

d. (Eph. 5:21-32) God’s divine plan for marriage is that spouses are the conduit for God’s healing each other because we are compatible opposites that can provide what our spouse needs.

~Wives heal their husbands through honor and respect.




-Domestic support at home

~Husbands heal their wives through loving them as Christ loves the church.


-Non-sexual affection

-Open honest communication


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